Artemis Fowl: The Attack on Facebook
by CelloNinjaAngel
Summary: A website phenomenon has become very popular on the surface world... and the underground fairy world as well. Artemis and Foaly decide to try to stop it, but who would have known that the two geniuses would become addicted as well? WARNING: SOMETIMES VERY OOC.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: All emails in this are fake (hopefully). Also, all descriptions of websites, emails, etc. are all made up. To sum it all up, nothing in this chapter is accurate. The worst part is that I don't even own Artemis Fowl. **

Thunder boomed outside, and Artemis Fowl II winced in fear. Yes, the genius was afraid of thunder. To distract himself from the terrifying noise, he decided to check his email. Suddenly, he heard his door open, and jumped in his expensive Swiss chair.

"Butler, you scared me!" Artemis exclaimed, then immediately covered his mouth. He couldn't believe he had just showed fear.

"I'm sorry," Butler rolled his eyes secretly, "I'll leave."

The child genius frowned for a moment, and tilted his head slightly, as if listening to something, and he was listening to something, "What is that sickening music?" he snapped.

"Baby, baby, baby oooohhhhhh!" Juliet Butler sang loudly as she ascended up the mahogany staircase, "Thought you'd always be mine, mine! Mine!" she blasted the music louder.

"Juliet, please, listen to something else!" Artemis sighed with exaggerated patience, "Anything would be better than this song… especially with you singing it!"

"How dare you offend Justin Bieber!" Juliet screamed, and tackled the thin teenager out of his expensive Swiss chair.

"Butler!" Artemis practically screamed, "You're demonic EMO sister is attacking me!" he struggled helplessly against Juliet.

Butler raced to his Principal's side, and wrestled his sister off Artemis, "Juliet, you have to stop. I know he sort of offended your hero but he's… Artemis, you know?"

"When did she start liking gay teen boy singers?" Artemis sniffed after Juliet stomped out, and began listening to One Direction, which was almost as bad as Justin Bieber.

"Artemis, he's not gay," Butler explained patiently, "He just didn't pass puberty yet. I think he's like 17."

"He's 18, you idiots!" Juliet screamed from the first floor, as Butler winced, waiting for Artemis's reaction.

Artemis rolled his eyes, "Whatever. Now shoo, shoo. I want to check my email, and it has… a lot of things in it."

Now it was Butler's turn to roll his eyes, "It's probably just romantic gunk from Holly," he muttered so his harsh Principal wouldn't hear, "All right," he called, louder, "I'll leave."

Once Butler was a safe distance away, Artemis opened his special private browser and logged into his email. He only had one message. He gaped in shock when he saw who, or more accurately, what sent it. as if in a trance, he clicked on the email, and read it, numb.

From: The Facebook Team

Subject: Join Facebook!

_Foaly the Smart Horse wants you to join him on Facebook.! Join the community now!_

Under the message was a link.

Artemis blinked a couple times, and for the first time, he was speechless. Why would Foaly do this? They had agreed on the plan… Was Foaly attracted to the evil site as well? What had happened?

As calmly as he could, he clicked on compose mail, and began writing an email to _smartponygenius _and was probably the shortest he had ever written. It read simply:

Subject: (none)

_WTF?_

After it was sent, he saw that he had another email… from the dreaded Facebook. Again.

From: The Facebook Team

Subject: Join Facebook!

_Officer Holly Short wants you to join Facebook! Join the community now!_

If a child genius could facepalm, Artemis would have done so at that moment. However, a child genius could not facepalm. So the only thing he could do was sigh, and lean back on his chair. He closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them again, he saw that he had another email. Wincing, he clicked on his inbox. It was from Foaly.

Re: (no subject)

_Dear Mud Boy,_

_You know the quote "Know thine enemy?" That's what I'm trying to do genius (I guess it is sort of literal, I DON'T CARE!) Anyways, my point is if we're going to try to take down Facebook, we have to know about it. Hypothetically, there is a slight chance we'll get addicted, but frankly, I know I won't get addicted, and I don't care about you. _

_Sincerely,_

_Foaly _

_P.S._

_Holly wants you to get a Facebook too._

Artemis winced. He hated when Foaly was right, and Foaly was right. The worst part was the part about Holly. He was still fuming at how stupid he had been. He would have slammed his keyboard right there, but he refrained- barely. The only noble thing to do was to click on the link he had forbidden himself to even look at for the last month or so. To make it better for himself, he clicked on the invite from Holly, instead of Foaly.

_3… 2… 1…_

Artemis sucked in a breath, and braced himself. He imagined the Imperial March was playing in the background.

The click sounded more normal than he expected. His private browser opened another tab, and a mostly blue webpage appeared. On the right side of the screen, there was an online form to sign up for Facebook. Almost numb with regret of breaking almost every self oath he ever made, he typed in the required information in the boxes, and clicked Next.

The next page was quite infuriating. It read simply,

_Please check your email and click on the confirmation link! Afterwards, you will be able to start your amazing journey on Facebook!_

When he read that, Artemis snorted. Not only was Facebook dangerous, it was cheesy as well. Wait, did he just use the word cheesy? Now that he thought about it, his night had been full stupid words. Artemis decided to ignore that, and clicked on the tab that had his email. He had two new emails in his inbox. The first was from Facebook, which was quite predictable. The second was from Holly. He immediately clicked the one from Holly.

From: officerhollyshort

(No Subject)

_Artemis,_

_Please get a Facebook. You know I never beg, but I'm begging now. I know that it seems childish, and I know you have something against this site, though I don't quite understand what. Though I know this may be too much to ask, I will not ask for anything else of you. Just do this one thing for me. If you do this, I'll explain why, but you will probably understand once you get a Facebook. I love you._

_-Holly_

That email made Artemis guiltier about not telling Holly of his plan. She was just so honest, not really innocent, but innocent compared to him and Foaly, obviously. He decided not to reply, just surprise her by getting a Facebook. He set his jaw, and clicked on his inbox, and clicked on the email from the "Facebook Team."

_Just one more step to go! Click on the following link, and you'll be all set to begin your magical journey through the amazing land of Facebook!_

Below the message was a link.

Artemis groaned. He couldn't find any word in his vast vocabulary to explain this email except… cheesy. The email, or more accurately, every single sentence this site wrote, was simply cheesy.

Hopefully, the situation would improve once he actually started using Facebook. The child genius took a deep breath, bracing himself once again to click on a link sent by the horrible Facebook. A tiny part of Artemis laughed, because of all the things in the world, he was afraid of a stupid site. He kept that thought in mind, and clicked.

Finally, after all that time, Artemis Fowl the Second had created a Facebook account. Maybe he was a normal teenager after all. A tab opened, and revealed the beginning of Artemis's "magical journey through the amazing land of Facebook."

_Welcome to Facebook! We hope you enjoy our site, and have fun in our new vast world! Connect with your friends! Play groovy apps! Most of all, have fun!_

Another thing Artemis realized was that Facebook overused exclamation points. He also couldn't believe how Facebook used the clichéd "have fun" phrase. He shook his head, and focused on the task at hand. He quickly searched for Holly in the search box. Sure enough, her name popped up, along with a picture of her. His pulse quickened as he prepared to see his girlfriend's Facebook page for the first time.

_Name: Officer Holly Short_

_Age: A couple centuries. ;)_

_Current Location: Underground, Haven, duh._

_Movies: The Goblin Escape, The Dwarf Fugitive_

_Books: LEPrecon's Guide_

_Sports: Running after bad people, flying_

_Activities: Chasing bad people, and putting them in jail_

_Quotes: "Get back to work, Short!" Commander Root_

_In Relationship with: (none)_

_Married to: (none)_

Once he finished reading Holly's profile page, Artemis clicked on "add friend" and waited for her acceptance. About 5 seconds later, a notification popped up on his browser. It read:

_Officer Holly Short added you as a friend! _

He sighed in relief when he saw that it wasn't cheesy, but groaned when he saw it had an exclamation point. Artemis saw that he had access to Holly's wall now that they were friends. It had a couple posts. To be polite, Artemis decided to write something on her wall.

_Hello, Holly. _He wrote simply.

He waited patiently for her response, which came a minute later.

_Artemis, you got a Facebook! I'm so glad. _Holly wrote.

Before Artemis could reply to that, Foaly typed something on Holly's wall.

_I guess Mud Boy finally realized that he was wrong! *smirk._

blinked in shock. Foaly really typed an action with the *?

_When were you so similar to the rest of society, Pony Boy? _Artemis retaliated

_If you two are going to fight about something stupid like that, fight on someone else's wall! _Holly wrote.

_Shut the f*ck up, Mud Boy! _Foaly apparently had ignored Holly. Artemis felt rage bubbling in him. How dare the pony offend his girlfriend?

_You get your hairy pony a*s off Holly's wall! _Artemis furiously typed.

Right after he typed that, he received a notification.

_You have been blocked from posting on Officer Holly Short's wall!_

Artemis sighed. Even in situations like this, Facebook just had to use an exclamation point. When Facebook didn't use an exclamation point, Artemis promised himself that he would host a party. Because an achievement like that is quite amazing, for a site like Facebook. With that happy thought, if evil child geniuses could think happy thoughts, Artemis Fowl the Second logged out of Facebook, concluding the first day of his "magical journey through the amazing land of Facebook."

**A/N: Maybe this was a bad beginning, but I'm pretty busy, and I wrote this in a car. -.- Well, review! ;D **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm back! This chapter will include Farmville and chatting. The rest? You can figure it out, right? Just read the chapter, and P.S. I don't own Artemis Fowl. Eoin Colfer does. :P**

In a Foaly's office belowground, behind a locked door, Foaly sat in front of a computer. After being locked in his office during the B'wa Kell goblin siege, he was afraid of locked doors, but now, he had no choice. Commander Kelp wouldn't admit it, but he was extremely addicted to Facebook, and that hypocrite would get extremely angry if he caught one of his employees on Facebook during work hours.

Foaly was in a bad mood, especially after the argument he had with Mud Boy on Holly's wall. Somehow, they had managed to find peace, so they could work together to fight Facebook. They had added each other as friends. To the centaur's amusement, Artemis only had two friends on Facebook. Him, and Holly. Because he had nothing better to do, Foaly decided to read his amazing wall.

_Name: Foaly the Smart Pony_

_Age: Classified. Why would I tell you, Mud Man?_

_Current Location: In my office in Haven. Where else?_

_Movies: The Life of Opal Koboi, The Mud Man Attack._

_Books: LepRecon Inventions, The Biography of Opal Koboi._

_Interests: Inventing things, helping people break into high security buildings, making Commander Root mad, outsmarting Opal Koboi._

_Relationship status: With my beautiful wife, and lots of kids. _

_Married to: My amazing wife. _

_Sports: I don't have time for sports._

Foaly smiled in satisfaction, content with his wall, until he saw a notification. He quickly clicked on it, and it read: _Artemis Fowl the Second has posted on your wall._

Frowning, Foaly clicked on the notification, slightly curious, and slightly annoyed. The post read:

_Foaly the Smart Pony? That's even stupider than your email. Why don't you have a real email? _Foaly sighed when he saw that Commander Kelp, Juliet Butler, and Butler all liked that post.

Foaly sighed. He looked at his My Little Pony plushies, his only memorabilia from the surface. One thing was for sure: he couldn't tell Artemis that his name had come from his love for My Little Pony.

_Well, Eoin Colfer didn't give me a last name, so why don't I just make up my own? I have some liberty, unlike you, Mud Boy. _Sadly, nobody liked that post.

_I think you're the only one with that liberty, Foaly. _Artemis posted. Commander Kelp, Juliet Butler, Butler, and Holly all liked that post.

Foaly looked helplessly at his Fluttershy plushie. He decided to not post anymore on his wall, after one more post. _Humph._

Foaly would have blocked all of them from posting on his wall, but the only problem was that he didn't know how to do that. To take his mind off this situation, he decided to check his crops on Farmville. He smiled when he saw that they were growing well. He watered them, and bought some more seeds at that store. The only objection he had to the game was that there was too much waiting. However, if that meant getting up to level 10, Foaly didn't mind too much. After building some more huts for workers and such, the only thing he could do was wait, so he exited from the game and went back to normal Facebook.

Foaly groaned when he saw that he a message from Artemis. It read:

_Hey smart pony, did you find anything useful yet? After all, this was your idea to get to know our dear Facebook better._

Foaly began to panic. He had spent the last hour playing Farmville, but had not learned anything about Facebook. The centaur had to come up with something he had "learned," and fast.

After a minute, Artemis sent another message, _You didn't learn anything smart pony?_

Finally, after another minute, Foaly reluctantly sent a message, _This site is filled with addicting apps, or games._

_I see. So are you one of those victims?_ Was Artemis's reply.

Foaly groaned. That was why he hated working with those who had an intelligence level that could match his, _Obviously not. _

He had lied, but luckily for Foaly, it was easy to lie behind a computer. Artemis didn't seem to realize that Foaly had lied, and he didn't like that his partner wasn't a victim.

_Humph, _Artemis replied, which made Foaly smile. He loved making the Mud Boy annoyed, but his smile faltered when he saw Artemis's next message, _I see._

_What do you see? _ Foaly smirked, _Do you see rainbows and unicorns?_

_If you were smart enough, you would realize how stupid that sounded. I think your My Little Pony obsession isn't doing you much good. _Foaly stared openmouthed. How did Mud Boy know something like that?

_I do not have a My Little Pony obsession! _Foaly was lying so much today…

_Well, that's quite believable because your cover picture on your timeline is My Little Pony, and that the description for that picture says "I 3 MLP!" _Foaly was becoming more horrified at every message Mud Boy was sending.

_That… that was a dare from… a friend. _Foaly typed quickly, knowing that he was losing the argument.

_Yeah right. _That message was quite shocking for Foaly, because Artemis never used the word "yeah." Actually, Foaly thought no child genius would use that word. However, the centaur, or "smart pony" was going to use that the best way.

_What a grammatically correct phrase, Mud Boy. _Foaly's smirk came back a little when Artemis didn't reply for a few minutes, _A cat got your tongue? _Foaly's smile widened.

_I have tried to accustom myself to this site, so we do not stand out. If we are not careful, then we may get caught in action, and be kicked off the site by many. _Artemis replied finally.

_I did not know you had a problem of paranoia, Mud Boy. _Foaly had the upper hand- at last.

_My dear pony, it is caution, not paranoia. Do you now know the difference? Twilight Sparkle will not be proud of you? _Foaly stared blankly at the computer screen. Artemis actually know the ponies from My Little Pony?

To test this new theory out, he typed a message experimentally, _Fluttershy would be proud of me, though._

Foaly rubbed his hands together, anticipating the Mud Boy's response. _You have a point. I think Pinky Pie hated me from the beginning of my life. I'm quite pessimistic. _

_So you watch My Little Pony as well? _Foaly held his breath.

_Of course! Rarity is my favorite! _Artemis immediately replied.

_Fluttershy is my favorite. _Foaly responded.

_Anyways, back to business. _Foaly's heart sank. Now Artemis would laugh at him for that bluff he couldn't keep, if Artemis even figured it out.

_Great idea. We have things to do, Mud Boy. Maybe the My Little Pony will come up later. _Foaly just decided to follow Artemis.

_It is about the 100 requests for Farmville you sent me. _

Foaly never facepalmed, but at moments like this, it seemed like the only thing to do. He buried his face in his hands.

The Applejack plushie seemed to laugh at him, but Applejack always seemed to laugh.

"I swear I'm not addicted!" Foaly groaned. Silence, "Fine, I am. Just don't tell Artemis, even if he already knows!"

With that, his face burning with embarrassment, Foaly logged out of Facebook, after he saw one more message from Artemis.

_I knew this would happen! :D _

**A/N: I know the My Little Pony thing was random, but this will relate to the plot later. To clear anything up, the reason I put MLP in here was because I needed a similarity between the two main enemies. Basically, this sort of marks the official beginning of Artemis and Foaly's cooperation. **

Foaly: Review! And I'm not addicted to Farmville, I swear!

Me: Yeah right! _500 people like this._

Foaly: …


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Eoin Colfer owns Artemis, Foaly, Holly, and all the others. I only own the combing-with-Facebook part. **

**Eoin Colfer: Yeah, and you better believe it, Fuzzy! **

**Fuzzy: Whatever.**

Artemis logged into Facebook again. He finally got used to it enough to stop wincing every time he typed in the word "Facebook" in his browser. However, he felt a little bit happier today. First of all, he had more friends using Holly's friend list, and had exactly 29 friends on his friends list, which was quite an achievement. Second of all, Foaly hadn't logged onto Facebook after his argument about Farmville. Third of all, he had updated his quite intellectual wall.

_Name: Artemis Fowl the Second_

_Age: Why does it matter to you? The age of somebody does not count towards their intellect, and if you dare to object, then be prepared to have a painful and deadly sting on your back._

_Current Location: It would seem, that I am sitting in front of a computer, if I am on Facebook, unless I am using a mobile phone, and I will avoid using Facebook on a large screen._

_Movies: There is no time to watch movies. You see, the television fake UV rays can hurt the epidermis part of skin. Please don't argue with me, dermatologists._

_Books: Any textbook in the world. I love correcting them. _

_Interests: Obviously planning diabolical plots to get more gold, or destroying my enemies._

_Relationship status: Very classified, not for my sake, but for my girlfriend's._

_Married to: I will not tell you my age, but let us say that I am younger than 20._

_Sports: I am not a very athletic person._

Artemis smiled in satisfaction. He had to admit, his wall was so amazing. Suddenly, he realized that somebody had posted something on his wall. He secretly hoped it was Holly, but it was Commander Kelp.

_You're right, Fowl Boy! I'm more athletic than you, and Holly is mine! *kisses arm muscles* _

Artemis stared in shock at his post. How did the commander know about him and Holly? He was about to reply, but Holly replied first.

_Trouble, we already discussed this. This situation is only trouble for all of us. _

_Yes, it's TROUBLE for all of us, Trouble! _Artemis smirked at the joke he made.

_So Mud Boy finally got a sense of humor? _Kelp posted a minute later, and Artemis's smirk disappeared when he saw that Mulch and Foaly liked that. _So Foaly did come back, _Artemis mused.

_Do not make fun of Artemis, fairy, or expect a bullet somewhere deadly. _Butler joined the conversation. Artemis let out a sigh of relief, and quickly liked that post, and so did Holly.

_Oh… Butler, sir, I'm sorry! _Kelp quickly posted.

_Butler, you had a Facebook? _Artemis posted.

_I did a long time ago, Artemis. I just didn't tell you because I knew about your hatred for social networking sites. I'm quite surprised you even got a Facebook _was Butler's reply to that.

Artemis frowned, because Butler was right. _Don't be smart with me, Butler._

_Yes, Artemis. _If Butler had said that out loud, he would have said it sarcastically, but because he was using a phone, he couldn't.

Artemis exited the conversation with one word: _Good._

He left his precious wall, and went to Holly's. It was the same as before, apart from one significant change.

_Relationship status: Dating __Artemis Fowl the Second _3

Artemis's stomach did a flip-flop, and he groaned. He had told Holly specifically to keep their relationship secret.

_Holly, why did you post our relationship on Facebook? _

Her reply came a minute later, _That's what you're supposed to do, Artemis. This is what you do, Artemis. Share your statuses and things like that, so people know about you._

Artemis sighed, for the 5th time today. He exited Holly's wall. Things were getting so complicated, because of one account. Maybe that was why people liked this site. Apparently, people like complications, including him.

After just thinking about his situation for a while, and coming up with nothing, Artemis saw that he had a friend request from Myles and Beckett Fowl. Artemis raised his eyebrows. Anyways, since they were his brothers, he accepted their friend request, and decided to take a look at _their _wall.

_Name: Myles and Beckett Fowl_

_Age: 3 years old._

_Current Location: Next to Artemis Simple-toon's cell phone, which we're using._

_Movies: Barney the Movie and Finding Nemo, but don't tell Artemis Simple-toon._

_Books: Britannica Encyclopedia, we use it to get to the potty._

_Interests: Annoying Artemis Simple-toon, attacking Artemis Simple-toon, and going potty._

_Relationship status: What's a relationship? Is it like when Artemis Simple-toon smooch short girl?_

_Married to: Is that like when Mommy and Daddy are on a bed together?_

_Sports: throwing paint at Artemis Simple-toon._

Artemis stared at his brothers' wall. The first thing he noticed was the grammatical errors, which made his head hurt, and the second thing he noticed was the part about "Artemis Simple-toon smooch short girl." The third thing he noticed was "when Mommy and Daddy are on a bed together." He decided there was a lot to tell them.

_Twins, let's have a lesson. First of all, you have so many grammatical errors in your writing, or should I say typing? It makes my head hurt. _Artemis felt satisfied with that. It didn't seem too complex for them to understand. He received a short response two whole minutes later.

_Artemis Simple-toon. _

Artemis decided to ignore that, _Also, it's Artemis kisses Holly Short, not Artemis Simple-toon smooch short girl. _He received a response to that a few seconds later.

_Artemis Simple-toon, not just Artemis!_

He stared at that response, and decided to ignore that, which was fairly harder, _Lastly, Mommy and Daddy are on a bed together is a sexual intercourse, with a chance of getting a baby, and hopefully Father uses a condom, because I DO NOT WANT MORE SIBLINGS!_

Artemis couldn't believe he was using Caps-lock, but this time it was necessary. He received another response.

_Artemis Simple-toon. _

A couple seconds after that, he received a notification. _You have been blocked from posting on the wall of Myles and Beckett Fowl!_

He sighed. How come everyone knew how to do that except for him?

**A/N: Guys, I don't want to do the review rant, but I have over 300 views per chapter, and 7 reviews. This means REVIEW! **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I'm sorry for not updating for a while, I've been quite busy. (my teachers are epic, but they give out SO MUCH HOMEWORK!) I finished **_**The Last Guardian **_**and thought it was so, so, so amazing. One of my favorite books in the series, but it was so… sad. So basically what happened was… Mmph!**

**Butler: *knocks Fuzzy out* I won't let you spoil the last book!**

**Fuzzy: Well, Eoin Colfer owns Artemis Fowl. (the books and the character.) **

Artemis sat down again in front of his computer screen and opened Facebook on his private browser. He had completely conquered his fear of the social networking site, and often started his day by checking on his friends… and enemies. Butler always gave him a little entertainment, so he decided to start his Facebook day by chatting with his bodyguard.

_Hello Butler. How are you today?_

It was quite a clichéd conversation starter, but at the same time, there was a reason why phrases became so clichéd and that was because they were popular. His trusty bodyguard responded in less than 5 seconds. He typed fast.

_I am good, as always, except for Juliet's dear love for teenage boy singers. She has been trying to get me to appreciate the "beauty of One Direction and Justin Bieber." In other words, she has been blasting the music when we are training, and somehow, I do not know how to turn it off._

Artemis frowned, for two reasons.

_Are you sure? You can hack into almost anything Butler. Also, are you sure Justin Bieber is straight?_

There was a slight pause, as if Butler was contemplating how to respond to the second question without having Artemis blow up.

_Juliet has encrypted one of my laptops for the music source, knowing that I will not dare hack into my own laptop. For your second question… Yes, Bieber is straight. He has a girlfriend._

Artemis smiled a small smile.

_I suppose Foaly's files were incorrect- for once. Thank you very much, I will now tell the Pony "Genius" about his major mistake. Let's see how the pony takes that. HA!_

The boy genius could quite clearly imagine Butler shaking his head at him, laughing slightly on the inside, but acting strict on the outside.

_Well, I will leave you alone to thwart Foaly and prove that you are a better genius._

_All right. I was counting on you to understand. Farewell._

Artemis didn't notice the message the popped up after he exited out of the chat box.

_Why can't it be simply "bye?" We'll discuss this later, Artemis. For now, bye._

Artemis ignored Butler's gentle rebuke to talk in a more "modern" style, and quickly started a conversation with Foaly the Smart Pony, who was obviously online.

_Hello, dear pony friend. How are you today? _Artemis asked casually.

Sadly, Foaly was intelligent to realize that there was no way Artemis could send a civil greeting to _him, _unless there was something up.

_Mud Boy. _Foaly sent a curt reply.

_I see. Of course you wouldn't believe that I can't be civil to you. _Artemis waited a moment, before adding, _It is true. I can't stand being civil to such a minor being like you! _Of course, Artemis didn't really mean that. He may have teased the centaur a few times, but he was still a friend.

_Just tell me what is up now. Some broken fairy technology? Did you bypass my computers- as usual? _Foaly asked tersely.

Artemis had to laugh at the half joke/half irritation. _Dear pony friend, you are quite hilarious. However, that is not why I am here._

_For the first time. _Artemis could hear the pony grumbling.

_There has been a minimal… flaw in your files, Foaly. _

_Ah. The one about Mud Men?_

Artemis winced, though he didn't know why. _I prefer Homo Sapiens. At the very least, Human Beings._

_Get to the point, Mud Boy. _Artemis smirked, knowing that by this point, Foaly was a hair away from slapping the keyboard in impatience.

_I stated my point before. Exactly 4 messages before this one. _Artemis grinned impishly.

_9pr;kxlkjrd4yv _Artemis's suspicions were proven correct.

_I'm afraid that is not a word, dear friend._

_You knew that I meant to be specific with my- ah- mistake. _It was costing the pony a lot of pride to say the M word, Artemis knew.

_Justin Bieber *cough* is not a homosexual. Sadly, that was one of the facts that I found most amusing and pleasing. Now I have nothing reasonable against Bieber apart from his slow pubertal development and the bland patterns of his songs, but I'm sure I will get attacked by his millions of fangirls, one of them being Juliet._

After two minutes, there was no response, until Foaly typed: _3roh7rfhaw8lk;rdju329o8rfoa8s3e2dwh. _Artemis smirked. The centaur was apparently ranting in rage. He wished he had rigged a camera in his office before telling him this… then post it on Facebook.

Quietly sitting in his chair, Artemis waited for the furious rant that was about to come straight at him, but it never actually arrived.

_Pony Boy, are you there? _He finally asked, unable to stand the suspense and anticipation.

_AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You actually believed that, Mud Boy?This is the funniest moment of my life! I am so taking a screenshot! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Artemis Fowl, Genius Mud Boy, falling for the greatest fairy joke ever? A89w89huruj8k4jk8ur4lkju8a4r ekj8uazu84yh7ref._

The first thought that came up on Artemis's mind was "too many punctuation marks." Artemis imagined that his brain fissures were gone, to be replaced by a flat and smooth brain…

_This… this is a joke? The entire folder for Bieber is a fake?_

_Well… *chortles* his birthday… *chuckle* is really… *giggles* March… *snorts* 1__st__… *shrieks* but… *cracks up* that's… *laughs* about it! _

_Walking thesaurus, are you, Pony Boy? Or should I say galloping? _Artemis asked drily, unable to find any other comebacks. What was wrong with his intellect?

_AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! _With that, Foaly logged his Facebook account. Artemis smirked a half-hearted smirk. Apparently, the centaur had gotten caught by his Commander on Facebook while laughing. Oh well, one point for Artemis. And about one hundred for Foaly.

0o0o0

Holly sighed quietly, surfing pages on Facebook for fun. Foaly was laughing about something hysterically (she could hear him from her office) and Artemis was hiding somewhere behind his computer monitor. The Butler siblings were training (it was noon). All her other friends were bimbos, and she wasn't in the mood to chat with idiots, though it gave her a laugh sometimes.

That was when _he _came online. _He, _being her nightmare, Trouble Kelp. Letting out a surprised yelp, she was about to click on the exit button, when she received a message. She knew she was too late. Trouble was going to chew her out for being on Facebook during work… hypocrite. She put her face in her hands, and read the scolding that she was getting…

_My dear Holly, do not log off. _

Holly groaned. This was worse than the scolding. A love proclamation. She would just have to endure as well as she could.

_All right._

_Holly, my love, my love. You know that I have told you I have loved you for years… and you refused me all that time, saying that you loved the Fowl Boy._

_Your point? _Holly was getting frustrated.

_Why did you never tell me that I loved you? Why did you have to toy me? _

The female elf blinked, almost stupidly, at the laptop monitor. _What?_

_Look at this! _Trouble sent Holly a link. Her eyes narrowed as she clicked on it.

It was the link to his timeline. _Um… what is this, Commander? I think you got the link wrong, sir. This is the link to your timeline…_

_Look at it, my darling! _Trouble sent. _Look at the posts! _

Holly squinted as she looked at her timeline, and her heart stopped. One of her posts, one she had never seen before read: _Dear Trouble love, I love you so much. I toyed with you before, and now, I can't hide my feelings anymore. My heart feels like it will burst with all the love I have for you. You are the reason I live in this world, the one that brings a sparkle to my eyes at work. All I know is that I love you, and I need you so much. Please Trouble, answer my love. Sincerely, your soulmate Holly Short._

It took Holly 5 minutes to come up with a reply for that. _I… I never wrote that, Trouble. I'm sorry, but my heart will be with Artemis forever._

_Yes, you wrote it, Holly! It says so! You love me, admit it. You're just getting cold feet!_

_No I didn't! _Holly typed, fury burning in her stomach. Whoever had written that would pay. _I love Artemis. HE'S my soulmate, not you. I'm sorry, but it's true! _She knew she was being harsh, but sometimes extreme measures had to be taken.

_I will change your mind. I will get you out of your cold feet! I will save our love for each other. You will love me, my Holly dear!_

Holly was about to type a reply, when a reply was already typed for her. _I know, Trouble. I will wait just as fervently for that day when my cold feet leave me. For now, I will love Artemis, love a lie. I love you Trouble. I will love you forever._

_I know, Holly. I love you as well. I will wait patiently for your brain to answer my pleas, as well as your heart. For now, enjoy your lie with Artemis._

Holly growled. _I HAVE A HACKER, TROUBLE! IT WASN'T ME!_

_You're lying, love. I can imagine our future together, baby. Us, together, with beautiful elfin children… It's _bliss. I love you so much.

Holly began typing furiously, but her hacker typed it first. _I can imagine it too… our beautiful children. Much beautiful than Artemis's._

_That's my hacker! _She typed furiously.

_Us… making love… _that was it. Holly immediately slammed her mouse on the exit button, and let out a relieved sigh. One thing was for sure. She would not go on Facebook until tomorrow.

0o0o0

Myles and Beckett slapped each other a high five.

"We did good, captain!" Myles grinned, "Both targets steps 1 have been finished!"

"Aye. We will finish tomorrow! Good job with the hacking!" Beckett grinned back, just as enthusiastically. He loved playing tricks on his older brother.

"You got the screenshots?" Myles asked.

"Yesssir!" Beckett saluted.

"Good. Now, let's go fingerpainting so Artemis simple-toon won't suspect anything…" Myles smiled evilly, "Let's see how much drama we'll get tomorrow…"

**A/N: O.O what's going on with the twins? You'll see… hope you enjoyed a little Holly and Trouble argument. Review? They motivate the twins to create LOTS of havoc… ;)**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: It's been a while… AGAIN. I got a writer's block (I know, stupid reason, but it's true.) and I finally managed to write it. Hope you can forgive me! **

**~Owly**

**Disclaimer: Eoin Colfer owns, as usual. STILL.**

_Don't facepalm, it's immature! _Artemis was having another internal conflict with himself about "To Facepalm or Not Facepalm."

_It's going to be fine, Artemis. I just need to hack into my infernal twins' Facebook account… and shut them down. _Of course, it was easier said than done. Apparently, Myles, who had much more technological experience than Artemis, had layered a whole bunch of firewalls, proxies, and even more security systems to prevent his brilliant genius brother from hacking into their account. After about the hundredth try, Artemis finally relented against his urge, and slammed his face into his hands.

It was hopeless. Artemis was about a hair away from giving up. No matter how many Foaly computers he hacked in, his four (almost five) year old brothers were the masters of computer and electronics.

"The old donkey should just hire Myles and Beckett," Artemis muttered. Then, he covered his mouth, looking horrified, "I have to be more careful!"

After a long time of contemplation, Artemis finally decided to keep trying, "There has to be some way to hack this account. I am able to hack into all accounts."

With that, he continued to try to get into his brothers' Facebook account, so he could prevent the chaos that would ensue is he left it alone.

0o0o0

Holly finally got the nerve to check her Facebook after that disastrous conversation with Trouble Kelp. _Please don't be online, PLEASE! _Apparently, luck was not on her side… Trouble Kelp was very much online, and started to torment Holly about one second after she logged on.

_Hello, love. I missed you. _

Holly let out a deep sigh. At least that wasn't _too _gushy, though it was extremely clichéd.

_Hello, Commander, _she tried to sound nice, but cool to her boss, _how have you been?_

_I have been fine, apart from the fact that I have not seen you for days. It has hurt my heart quite deeply. How could you get cold feet? Can you not trust me that much?_

_It's not about trust, Commander. It's about my heart, my love. _She winced at how rude she sounded. This was her _boss, _for Pete's sake. No matter how much she wanted to shoot him with a Neutrino, she had to remain respectful, at the least.

_I know you love me, Holly. You told me yourself through Facebook. _

_I'm sorry to say, Commander, Facebook sometimes lies. I was hacked by Artemis' brothers. You know how mischievous they are. I'm very sorry. I do like you, as a friend, Trouble. But I do love Artemis more._

_What do the twins know of love, dear Holly?_

_I do not know. Myles probably read a romance book._

Trouble spent a few minutes thinking of a response, _Perhaps. But I believe that even the twins are sensible and kind enough to leave a love affair alone. Whether or not you said so, I believe you love me._

_That is not the truth. _Holly was so close to stomping over to Trouble's house and shouting in his ear her love for Artemis Fowl. _As I said before, I love Artemis. The twins will do almost anything for mischief and fun, Trouble. I know them._

_I love you, Holly._

_I know you do, Commander. I love you as well, but not in that way. I love Artemis that way. I love you as my Commander, a family figure, but not as a romantic way. _Holly gave up, going into the mushy gushy zone, no matter how hard it was for her.

_Please try… I can give you so much more than that Fowl Boy._

That comment insulting Artemis stung. _He's not a boy anymore, Commander. If I was a human, he'd be only a few years younger than I am. _

_He's going to die before you! What will you do when he dies? _Another stinging remark. Holly winced audibly, though it was nothing but a Facebook message.

_Foaly is working on that. He's close to a breakthrough. _The last part was sort of an exaggeration, but it wasn't a lie.

_You're lying._

Holly sighed, close to screaming, pulling her hair out, and crying. _Come on, Artemis. Hurry! I'm trying to solve the problem with Trouble, but you have to hurry! _She begged mentally.

0o0o0

"I got it!" Artemis couldn't believe he was reduced to screaming, but he was too happy. _Myles and Beckett Fowl, you are going to pay for what you did to me and Holly._

"What did you get?" Butler raced into his office, Sig Sauer in hand.

_That must have been too loud._ Artemis sighed, "Nothing, Butler. Go back downstairs, please."

"Artemis Simple-toon!" Myles and Beckett leaped into Artemis' office at that moment, "This is war!" they screamed.

_Oh dear. This is not going to be pleasant… _For the second time that day, Artemis felt like face palming. Right after that huge breakthrough, his two brothers, Computer Kings, were declaring war.

0o0o0

"How did Simple-toon hack into our account?" Myles stomped around their "study," or playroom, "How did he get past our technology blockage?"

"Maybe he's not as stupid as we thought he was, Myles," Beckett sighed, looking dejected.

"No! There has to be a catch! Some cheat he used!" Myles wailed, "I know nobody could have hacked into this firewall! I know!"

"But he did, Myles!" Beckett through his hands up into the air, "He's hacked into your impossible blocks. Now he can ruin us. _Ruin us!_"

"We have to complete our plan, and fast. Afterwards, we'll declare the war of vengeance. Don't lose your spirit. We'll be able to complete it. Don't worry," Myles reassured his twin, "After all," he smiled evilly, "just because our brilliant brother hacked _us _doesn't mean we can't hack anyone else."

**A/N: I know this was a really bad/short chapter, but I did get a writer's block. I'll try to get through this Myles/Beckett War section. I'm sorry, guys. :/ Review?**

**~Owly (formerly fuzzy)**


	6. Chapter 6 AN (COLLAB REQUEST)

**A/N: I got a writer's block for this story (partly because it's been a long time since I worked on it, and partly because I just don't know what to do with it.) So I was wondering if anybody wanted to write this as a collab with me? Even if nobody offers, I will continue updating, but it would be awesome if somebody could work on this with me. Thanks!**

**~Owly, who's very, very sorry**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hey, I'm updating again. Well, it's not me. :P This chapter was written by Foalyrules. I thought it was a really awesome chapter, and I'm sure that you readers will think so too! :D**

**~Owly**

The twins move their cursor over the small blue message box, quickly clicking on "Foaly Smarthooves, a name the centaur had hoped would satisfy Myles and Beckett's older brother.

Far below them in his private quarters, the centaur typed in five simple words.  
"So, about our little arrangement..."

Beckett quickly scampered over to the computer to type in a response.  
"Simple-toon broke into our page!"

The boys added a small angry face to their message in an attempt to display their emotions.

"Yes...and since I am the smartest pony in the land you NEED my help?"  
Foaly smiled in his own admiration.

"I'll take that as a yes", Foaly muttered to himself.

"We have a deal."

A long, sinister smile stretched across the boys' face.

"Now that Pony is making page Simple-toon should be taken care of and we can go on with the plan."

Meanwhile in one of Fowl Manor's Private Studies, Artemis was quite enjoying Foaly's new updates to his Facebook page.

Name: Foaly Smarthooves  
Age: The Age of Smartness  
Location: My technologically amazing office  
Movies: Educational Films  
Books: Biographies and Studies  
Interests: Being Smart, Inventing, Outsmarting Artemis Fowl  
Relationship Status: With my smart family  
Married to: My genius wife

Artemis quickly sent a message to the centaur, hastily making an effort to mock his page.  
"Hey Mr. Smarthooves, what is going on?"

Artemis read over his message and nearly gagged. Had he really just started a conversation with "Hey"?

Foaly nearly stomped his hooves in frustration, realizing that he had failed to impress the young genius.

"Well Mudboy, while you have been busy devolving your grammar to "fit in", I have been revolutionizing interrogation technology forever!"

Artemis frowned.

"Well I'm sorry; I just guess I'm not the age of smartness."

Now Foaly really was stomping his hooves. He couldn't even think of a good response, and simply typed one word that he knew would not impress Artemis.

"Whatever."  
Artemis let out a small laugh.

"Oh and Foaly, when is it exactly that you have outsmarted me."

The centaur typed in his response and then actually facepalmed at himself.  
"Oh you know, that one time..."

Now Artemis was laughing so hard he could barely control it. The twins were concerned, and quickly sent a message to Foaly.

"WHY IS SIMPLE-TOON LAUGHING?"

Foaly read the message and quickly remembered he still had a secret weapon to let him win this thing. He reopened his message with Artemis and typed in one final response before logging off.

"Anyhow, I added a new firewall to my files. Now there is now way you can access my data."

Artemis smiled at the challenge, quickly opening the internet of the people, which he had installed in his laptop via Holly's old recon helmet. Logging on to the LEP's website and clicking on the data tab, Artemis was not surprised to find that Foaly's new firewall was nothing more than intermediate. Hacking past the firewall and quickly discovering Foaly's new password, it was mere moments before Artemis saw Foaly's new update to Holly's file, titled "The Secrets of Holly Short".

Clicking on the link, a small video appeared upon his screen. Apparently, it was a documentary created by former LEP Captain Symbull Von Durgass who had recorded various moments in Holly's life. Artemis skipped through most of it, finding out that most of it was nothing new, until something managed to catch his eye. Apparently, it was an interview with Holly from a few months back, where a young sprite by the name of Komas asked her about her romantic life. Before his very eyes, Artemis saw Holly mutter a sentence that truly sent a shiver down his spine.

"Oh well", Holly began, "I kind of have a thing with Commander Kelp."

Artemis rubbed his eyes, hoping that he was dreaming. However, Artemis knew he had taken the test this morning and he was one-hundred percent awake. Suddenly feeling very sad, angry and confused, Artemis suddenly felt the compulsion to hack into Holly's account and find out some things. A few minutes later, Artemis stared in disbelief at the source code in Holly and Commander Kelp's past conversation.

The code was so accurate and so complete, nothing like the gap you would usually see when somebody was hacking. His brothers might be able to make something this perfect in a few years or maybe even now, but how could he know. It almost looked like Holly may have really been the one typing these things to her Commander.

Putting on his suit jacket, Artemis quickly rushed out past Butler towards the door to Fowl Manor.

"Artemis, where are we going?"

The boy shook his head.

"I am sorry Butler but there is some...business I must take care of on my own."  
"But Artemis...if you are to get hurt..."

"Don't worry Butler, I shall be fine."

Artemis' father had bestowed the Fowl Bentley upon him a few years back, and he found it quite useful when needing to travel short distances. Leaving the gates of Fowl Manor, Artemis sent a short Facebook message to Holly.

"Meet me near Shuttle port E5, it's urgent."

Artemis waited in his car for several minutes, until he saw the grey shape of Holly's shuttle emerging from the lava. Holly quickly got out of the shuttle, a concerned look resting on her face.

"Artemis", she bellowed, "what's wrong?"

Artemis closed his eyes for a moment to think.

"There is something I need to talk to you about."

Holly walked over to Artemis, her face growing even more confused every moment.  
"I was looking over some of Foaly's files, and I found some...interesting information", Artemis told her.

"Please tell me Koboi isn't still alive..."

Artemis sighed.

"Holly, could you tell me about a Facebook conversation between you and Commander Kelp a few days ago?"  
Holly began to get a little frustrated.

"Artemis, I already explained that to you, I was hacked by your brothers."  
Artemis sighed yet again.

"It appears so if you look at it blankly, however when you look at the code..."

"You mean you hacked my account", Holly yelled furiously.

"Yes but-"

"Artemis, my Facebook account is personal", Holly interrupted him.

"Well maybe if you hadn't told that interviewer you were having a relationship with Trouble Kelp I wouldn't have to hack into it!"

Angered at Artemis for yelling at her, Holly followed her instincts and reached for something to defend herself with. Unfortunately, all she seemed to have with her was some new interrogation equipment from Foaly. Grabbing a small metal capsule, the captain hurled it at Artemis, as it broke against his skin in a blinding light.

Foaly had invented the new equipment after researching Artemis' incident with Atlantis Complex, discovering that many people have an alternate personality inside of their mind that may help officers to discover the truth when interrogating a suspect. The technology was designed to remove these other people from the body of the fairy; however, it had not been tested on humans.

Holly opened her eyes, as she soon saw a duplicate of Artemis standing next to yet another Artemis.

"A clone", Holly asked aloud.

"No princess", said the duplicate, "it's me Orion."

"Oh no", muttered Artemis.

Butler was already worried when Artemis left without him, and he lashed out immediately towards his smart phone when he saw that he had a Facebook message from Artemis.  
"Call Mulch, Holly is angry and Orion is back."

Shocked at the short message, Butler opened up his contacts and scrolled down to Diggums. Butler heard the load laughter of Artemis' brothers, and rested his face in his palms.  
"What have they done this time?"


End file.
